My hair is so gorgeous that I can't even STAND it, and Sandy is joining me to celebrate Smart Bitches Day! (And what the hell, we'll count Kate's entry too. She's with us in spirit, at least. Mwah!)

This is A Very Long Post, yes, but it's five (5), five, FIVE book reviews in one! Ladies and laddies and lairdlings, I bring you:

Your Guide to Worshiping/Despising The Outlander Series

Yeah, there's a fun title, huh? Hmm, what'd the best way to break this down? See, maybe you've already read these and are looking for someone with whom to commiserate, or you're wondering if you should bother reading them because what's all the fuss about, or you read one and hated it and are hoping I'll rip it apart like that Foley book. I'm gearing this toward those who are wondering whether they should bother, because I am the proud converter of at least 10 people - from Outlander Virgins to Outlandaphiles, courtesy of Yours Truly.

So let's begin with the beguine. Or, um, the first book.

Outlander
The first book, but I do tend to refer to the whole shebang as "Outlander", because Diana Gabaldon (hereafter referred to as DG) has created this whole universe of people romping around in her version of 18th century Scotland - and other places, but we'll get to that.

I was working at the bookstore with Snookie when I read this book. Honestly, this book is one of the things that solidified our friendship, so it's worth the price of admission right there. Snooks and I would often go out after work for a drink when the day (every day) was particularly bad (in retail, every day is Hell) and one day she got off 30 minutes before me and I said "Hey, hang around and we'll go out when I'm done?" And I'll never forget her looking at me with these half-crazed eyes and saying, "I would but I totally can't because I have to get home and read and I know how lame that sounds but I'm reading this Outlander book and it's this woman who's a nurse in like WWII and after the war she goes on a second honeymoon to Scotland to reconnect with her husband because they really love each other and while she's out one day she steps into this circle of stones and winds up 200 years before and there's this passing dragoon and then later on she has to marry this Scottish guy" DEEEEEEP BREATH "so that she can have the protection of the clan and she falls in love with him but she still loves her husband and is trying to get back to him but this Scottish guy is SO GREAT and I know this sounds cheesy and I'm not explaining it well but anyway I have to go read it NOW because they're gonna burn her as a witch, her and this other girl and where I left off reading at lunch they'd just ripped the other girl's dress and she's from the 18th century but SHE HAS A SMALL POX VACCINATION SCAR and I have to GO READ NOW."

I yelled after her "What's it called?!?!" And she threw "Outlander! Romance! Top Shelf G!" over her shoulder. I took my copy home that night and the rest, as they say, is history.

Here's the bottom line about this book: It's excellent. I know good writin' and this is some fiiine writin', my friends, in EVERY sense. Fantastic characterization - just - like - dude - gah - you wouldn't BELIEVE, man. And here's one of the hard and fast Truths of this life: Jamie Fraser Is The Perfect Man. Claire ain't no slouch neither, and Jamie isn't always Mr. Nice (because he's quite real) but holy crap do I love that man. Even guys I know who've read it? STRAIGHT guys? They can totally understand why Claire stays with Jamie.

On top of the great characterization - of ALL the characters, not just the main ones - though hang on, I'll admit the villain is rather annoyingly one-dimensional in this book. But anyway, who cares, the book is a total page-turner. Ya know how I harp on the concept of storytelling alla time? This woman can tell a story. And I don't give a rat's ass WHAT the woman says, she wrote a romance novel. The rest of them really DON'T belong in Romance, I can agree with that. But this one is, among a lot of other things, the story of these two people falling in love and figuring out how to make their improbable relationship work. About 90% the conflict is romantic, and the 10% that isn't romantic? Is shit that directly fucks with their romance. So there - it's a romance. It's a heck of a lot of other things, too, but it doesn't fit anywhere like how it fits in the Romance section.

I love this book. It's beautiful, it's well-written, it's fucking amazing that DG wrote it as "practice" and it's the first thing she ever tried her hand at. I love the characters as intensely as I love a lot of real-life people. It's in my Top Ten Beth Recommends, perpetually. Read it. Adore.

Dragonfly In Amber
The second of the series, and here is my first warning: if you decide to read past the first book in this series, resign yourself to an at least mild obsession. But please be aware that if you slip over into LOLishness (That's Ladies of Lallybroch, a fan-site that I am NOT linking here because they'll find me and bring out the flamethrowers for I dare to less-than-worship every sacred word DG ever wrote and I don't feel like dealing with it), then I really can't have anything to do with you. Even Snookie, who is slavishly devoted to the books, thinks those women need psychiatric counseling. But basically, if you go past the first book, you're committed. Trust me on that. It'll become this Thing in your life. You will be in the grips of Gabaldon. That bitch.

Outlander finishes well. And by that, I mean that there was a resolution. A stopping point. I felt perfectly okay putting down the book and disregarding the rest of the series. Many others just plow right into the next one, but I didn't feel the need. But like maybe 8 months later I was looking for something to read and figured hey - might as well read the second since I liked that author, what the heck. So I went and bought the 2nd book. Here is my second warning: if you buy the second, buy the third. Just TRUST ME ON THIS. You do NOT want to finish the second (which you will inevitably finish faster than you think - as everyone I know has done) without having the third on hand. The circa 6 hours between the time that I finished the second book and the time that the bookstore opened so I could get my mitts on the third still haunt me. It was traumatic, that dark, dark time. And I am COMPLETELY serious. I don't want anyone to suffer as I did.

So the second book - has bits that are just SO annoying, really. But only little bits. And stuff that I could quite easily shrug off and suspend my disbelief and whatevah, fine, I don't care, I'll forgive these things for they are only little bits. Overall, it's brill. And it's this absolutely amazing achievement, how she paces the whole (very large) novel - the emotions of it, the personal things happening between Jamie and Claire, the politics, the coming war. It's really just stunning. And there's a scene in it that is one of the best pieces of writing ever - just the sheer beauty and sadness of it, how every word is just…gah, I'm getting all weepy just thinking about it. Tis truly amazing.

Overall, it coulda been tighter and a little less silly plotting at certain points. But I forgive all, because the good stuff is so plentiful and the great stuff is blindingly great.

Warning the third: And if you believe none of the others, please believe this one. You'll find yourself reading this book everywhere. I actually recall reading it while on the phone with friends, me saying "uh huh, uh huh, yeah, uh huh," happily immersed in the book as they chattered to my deaf ear. I think Snookie actually read it while she was waiting at stoplights on the drive home sometimes, okay? But PLEASE remember this: when you reach the part before Culloden, when they come to the castle? Put the book down. Put. It. Down. It will be SO HARD to put it down, but this is of the utmost importance. Put it down. Then go arrange a couple of hours in a quiet place with nothing and no one to disturb you. Bring a box of Kleenex and a glass of water. Take a deep breath. Then read on. Okay? Okay. Good job.

Then get to the end, freak out, and wildly flail about, hyperventilating and bleating; "the next book WHERE IS THE NEXT BOOK I HAVE TO READ THE NE-- oh. Beth told me to have the next on hand, here it is, whew." And thus I become your personal savior. You're welcome, man, no biggie.

Voyager
This is where it all really begins to fall apart. But it's too late, see. You're sucked in. You might think you're done with the series, but believe me: the series isn't done with you. Goddammit. The first half is wonderful. Just wonderful. But unfortunately the first half goes by in a blur (at least the first time you read it) because you're DYING to get to this one part - and that part doesn't come up until halfway through. Sadly, once you get to that much-anticipated part? It blows from there on out.

The first half: brill. The second half: absurd. There are frikken pirates and Totally Extraneous Chinese Guy and a plague at sea and a serial killer and pseudo-voodoo and tea with a crocodile (oh, and some weird but smokin' nookie when she's got this fever) and, basically, 300 more pages than is needed. We do get introduced to Lord John Grey, though, who's not just a great character, but maybe one of my favorite gay characters in literature. And really, what DG does is just like torture - you suffer through two useless and frustrating chapters, begin to think okay, I'm not reading this anymore, how STUPID is this crap? and then the third chapter rips your heart to pieces and puts it back together again and makes all the crapulence worth it. Rar.

Looking at this book, I think (and thought, when I first read it) that unfortunately DG was
(1) beginning to care less about telling a great story and more about just "hey wouldn't it be fun to make some shit up?" - and yes there IS quite a difference between the two - and
(2) beginning to believe her own press. Which is the kiss of death.

Drums of Autumn
This is the first time I ever called in sick to work because I'd stayed up all night reading and had to finish the last hundred pages. And did you get how disenchanted I was with the third installment? How ready I was to write it off? Hah. I picked the 4th book up one boring weekend at the library and wound up glutting myself. Dammitalltohell.

I admit that I liked this book much more upon the second (and years later) reading. The new setting (America) kinda annoyed me, the new storyline (Roger and Brianna) annoyed me, and Brianna annoyed the living fuck outta me. NOTE: the books are still about Jamie and Claire. It's just that Roger and Bree are sharing the stage. I rather adore Roger as a person, but found myself wanting to run over Brianna with an SUV. Repeatedly. But there are good things, too, and some of the stuff that the whole crew of them has to face and the discussions they have -- about slavery and abortion and Indians and alcoholism, homosexuality, what is the definition/nature of romantic love, what does it mean to be a father, not to mention the whole idea of if it's possible to alter personal (if not political) history -- it's riveting stuff. Not because all those topics are interesting, but because all of them are intensely personal to the characters, in ways that a lot of authors just can never manage to do. It's a matter of very, very high stakes. And I love those moments.

But then there are also these bullshit things happening all the time, these meanderings that add nothing to the story. More of the stuff like in the second half of the 3rd book, but less absurd. You get the feeling that she did all this in-depth research and doesn't want to waste an ounce of it. There's this rule to storytelling, see: if it doesn't fit in the story, don't fucking put it there. Someone please clue DG in on that one, because I don't think she knows. I think she finds all this stuff fascinating (and it is) and can't wait to bend her story to fit it all in, using Jamie and Claire as the conveniently bestselling and comfortable milieu to aimlessly blather. Hey, DG - you wanna blather? Get a blog. Works for me.

So after this one, I once again said Nae muir! I am done with this Outlandish stuff! But then

Fiery Cross
came out and the day it hit the shelves I was all "AHHHHHHH I HAVE TO READ IT NOW!!!!!"

I swear to God, it's like crack, man. Which is especially unfair, since Fiery Cross sucks so bad that I want my goddamn money back. The first hundred-plus pages? The same day. THE SAME DAY. The same BORING day. Snookie and I call it The Longest Day. I dunno if DG is pandering to some fanbase that really, really wants to read about chapped nipples and dirty diapers and menstruation and dealing with all of it Way Back When, but I can tell ya - IT GETS OLD, OKAY? I get the point: it was tough back then. A lot of shit happened. A lot of people were there. It was a long and tiring day with a lot of conversations and screaming babies and cramps-but-no-Midol. I get it. I GET IT. I got it LONG before we hit page 40, and I got tired of it long before page 100, but you kept fucking blathering on and on and ON about this goddamn day that I don't give a flying fuck about. There is no skill here. There is no deftness or lightness of touch or craft. There is bludgeoning the reader. But hey, at least you were kind enough to accompany the bludgeoning with a soporific, you long-winded cow. And Jesus H Roosevelt, as Claire would say, what POV is next? The leaves on the trees? No doubt you'd find something for them to say, too.

(side note: yes, this is kinda how I crit. No wonder no one wants me to crit for them much.)

Oh, and another warning: Don't read the acknowledgements or thank-you's or whatever it is in the beginning of this book. It gives this major thing away and totally ruins the suspense of it - and a sad thing, too, since it was one of maybe three truly wonderful things in the whole book.

So it picks up after The Longest Day, yes, but it's still infuriating. So many pointless detours, so much boring minutiae (look! I'm Diana Gabaldon! I research details and I prove it IN EVERY GODDAMN SENTENCE WHETHER YOU WANT TO HEAR IT OR NOT), so much chaff. There's none of the brilliant pacing of her first two books. A good editor really is worth his/her weight in gold. Just a message to any writers out there: every word you write isn't worth publishing. In fact, most of them aren't.

There are about a thousand pages in this book. I don't know the exact number because the book isn't anywhere near me. I don't know where it is. I lent it to a coworker about a week after I read it (3-4 years ago now) and never bothered to get it back from her, because the real worthwhile content amounted to maybe 350 pages.

A Breath of Snow And Ashes
Hits bookstands this September. And there will be like two (or is it three?) more after this. At this point, Jamie is just a mass of walking scar tissue. Like seriously - what the hell else can HAPPEN to these people? Answer: whatever DG researched and felt like throwing at them.

And yes, as betrayed as I feel by the last few books, I'll buy it. And probably call off work again to devour it. And probably be disappointed again.

But I can't help it. I love Jamie and Claire. I love them. Clearly, so does Diana Gabaldon, because she just can't finish their story. I said THEIR story, which she keeps confusing with every other frikken thing that pops into her head.

Seriously, though, read the first one. It's so fantastic.