Why I'll Never Confuse A Romance Novel With Real Romance
inspired by this dumbass
Just off the top of my head:
- Stunningly enough, there are not really ballrooms full of gorgeous, rich, titled, manly men who are great in the sack, and none of whom are gay and/or married. Reality sure can be funny like that, and desperately hard to confuse with fiction.
- It's really, really, really difficult to find a sheltered virgin who is both a skilled and enthusiastic fellatrice.
- If a man stares intently into a woman's eyes and says, "I know you want me" (or some variant thereof), he generally gets a gale of snort-laughter. Not a passionate make-out session.
- Pretty blond pre-1900 women who get sold into sexual slavery and are forced to please an arrogant sheik and, if not showing enough enthusiasm, are given a wicked good aphrodisiac that immediately has them humping said sheik's leg and later crying from the humiliation, degradation, and well slavery of it all? Um, generally it's only in fiction that she'll fall in love with the sheik.
- There will never be a Romance heroine who has a problem with unwanted hair on her upper lip, especially in historical fiction. Ever.
- EVER.
- There is a STUNNING LACK of good-looking pirates who are (a) noblemen in disguise and (b) really tender and sensitive and intelligent and noble, once you get to know them.
- If I tell a real-live, filled-with-deep-affection-for-me guy to get out, go away, I don't want you, we're through, get it, it'll never work between us, goodbye, go away -- he, um, goes away. For good. And doesn't fall into my arms months later when I realize what a fool I've been. (Note that this example can be flipped round, gender-wise. And that I don't really mean me, personally, since I've pretty much never changed my mind about anyone whom I've told in no uncertain terms to get out of my life. But I digress.)
- When really pretty and curvy girls dress up like boys, they look like really pretty, curvy girls. Not like boys.
- If some guy slips ben-wa balls - or anything else - up my coochie without asking first, I can guarantee the scene won't end with me purring my undying gratitude to him.
- It's SO weird, but I've never ever had a monarch force me to become his concubine, thereby making my real boyfriend totally jealous and causing a great big misunderstanding that only makes our relationship stronger in the end. I'm sure it's just a matter of time, though.
Okay sorry - that's all I gots at the moment. I have a headache and am not up to the topic tonight. It's a shame, since it's a great topic. Feel free to add to it in comments.
10 comments:
That's weird. My boss propositioned me sexually and threatened to fire me if I didn't have sex with him (I have two kids, my ex-husband is a deadbeat, and my wacky former in-laws are still living with us). Oddly enough, it didn't make me want to have sex with him. In fact, I sued him and now my kids and I are living like fat cats (I threw out my mooching in laws, too).
Okay, I made that up.
Any woman who gets preggers and hides the fact from the dad because he doesn't love her, or he'd lose his "big chance" or because his family will co-opt the baby deserves a brat with severe colic who grows up to steal cars.
The child should not be a happy, healthy well-adjusted kid who gets fantastic grades and is a spitting image of his handsome dad. He should resemble Uncle Fester and be pimply. It would be good if he had a leather fetish, too.
A man who attempts to shove his toes into my crotch while we're having dinner at a five star restaurant is gonna get his foot stabbed with a dessert fork. I mean really. That food is good, ya know? Got to concentrate on the plate, buddy.
I've seen my part of stone circles in Scotland, but I never ended up in some pre-Culloden time and met with a gorgeous redhead.
Or fallen asleep on a park bench and met up with a rugged Highland Laird.
And all these wildly satisfying encounters with Sir Shaggenmuch in the woods after riding a horse for twelve hours- I had sex once, outside, near a lake. Got stone bruises on my back and ants up my behiney. Refused to even get in my boyfriend's car unless he could confirm the hotel reservations.
Yeah, I was thinking earlier that this should be added to the list:
* When REAL women go back in time, they get burned at the stake. EVERYONE knows that. Sheesh.
I take issue with Gabriele's assertion. Have you ever been to Cragh Na Dun, Gabriele? Have you??? Well, then! So there! It's where all my best time travel happens.
Beach sex=sand rashes. Ow, ow, ow. DAYS of walking funny.
Gabriele, if you want to meet a gorgeous redhead then you need to travel south a little.
Ah who am I kidding, gorgeous I ain't =\
Knowing my luck I'd go back in time and be one of those women that Beth mentions and get burned for my troubles, what with the red hair and a penchant for cats...
My contribution...
How many men do you know who are amazingly studly, kind, caring, sensitive, love animals, single, straight and fantastic in bed. Nope, thought not, me neither.
OK, I'll try to post that mess again. :)
Ach, so that's the one. The people 'round Inverness are very secretive about the place, ye ken, and no one has yet volunteered to show it to me.
But then, I'd prefer to end up in the 12th century or in Roman and post Roman Britain.
What a great blog--here via Smart Bitches.
And there was only that one time (ONCE) that I stowed away on the pirate's ship as a boy and even though the gorgeous mouth full of his own teeth pirate saw through me and humiliated me by making me sleep with him, I still loved him. Just the once, o.k.
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