Goddamn motherfucking Hallmark commercials. And I'm not even hormonal, okay, but I was already weepy over this other thing and then I turn on the stooopid Hallmark Hall of Fame and then two - TWO - Hallmark commercials in a row and I mean are these people paid by the numbers of tears they induce in the focus groups? Because jaysus.


Okay, as requested - here is a photo essay on How To Make Quesadillas, Beth-style. It's so flippin easy, people.

Step one: Put your only (inherited, beat-up, scratched, much beloved) frying pan over medium heat. Toss a fresh corn tortilla in there.

(Note the fantastic monkey canister. And monkey pepper shaker. Courtesy of Dr. Dawn, Providor Of Monkey Kitchen Décor.)

Step Two: Spinkle some cheese on there.




Step Three: After the cheese is a little melty, sprinkle on some hot sauce. And/or whatever else you want to add, but this is just the basic easy-quick snack version.



Step Four: Fold it over.



Step Five: Kinda pat things down a little. I sorta press the edges together, using the cheese as a (delicious) glue to keep things from falling apart.


Step Six: Flip it over so it's toasty brown on both sides. This is where you start to drool a bit and become thankfl that these take precisely 1.5 minutes to make.



Voilà! finished product!



Serve with slices of avo, and some tomatoes. Or not, if you're too lazy to go to the produce market. I suppose you could cut them up and make a whole presentation of it, but I just sort of pick them up and bite. The less dishes/silverware involved, the better.

Money talk, blahblahblah

Hey, I just got a call from the eye-talian who wanted to know what Debt Management Program I use, because she knows someone who knows someone who can't ever seem to get ahead and will be paying off debt until she's like 100.

I get many calls and emails of this nature. And it's been like 6 months-ish now that I've been on the DMP (debt management plan) and I'm happy to report that my anxiety level over money is close to nonexistent, compared to what it was a year ago. Not that I have enough, of course, or that I can afford anything - or much at all. But in six months, I've never had to rob Peter to pay Paul. I've never gotten a bill and been unable to pay it in full. I've never once felt like a worthless fool who didn't know how to take care of herself.

And if you're currently trapped in the pain of overwhelming debt, you'll understand me when I say: These are very important and wondeful things. Sometimes I'm afraid that the little bit of spending money won't allow me to have spontanteous lunch with my niece, or that I can't buy that $18/lb fabulous washed-rind cheese right now, not if I want to fill up my gas tank. And that does suck, of course - but it doesn't hold a candle to "Holy shit I can't pay my phone bill I think I'm having heart palpitations again."

I'm about 3 years away from both paying off my debt and acheiving real financial stability (involving significant savings and investments and a car that's paid off). I hate that I could have had that already by now if I'd just done this sooner. But I was kinda (really) in denial and I sorta wanted to (did) believe that I could handle it and fix it myself. But I never forced myself to really LOOK at what I owe and how I spend. So trust me, I know how hard it is to do that - I STILL don't really look at how much I owe, not regularly. I sat down with the DMP people and made myself look and marvelled that I'd managed it for so long and felt relieved to see that, with all the figures laid out so plainly, there was no way anyone could have made it work without making huge changes. Then we came up with a plan and I make my monthly payments and don't look back.

So this is what I tell people who are drowning in debt and can't seem to make minimum payments and ask me what this DMP thing is all about:

1. You can't do it unless you really are ready to face the consequences of having lived the life you've lived. Now, that may sound harsh - but it's rare to meet anyone who's in debt and didn't bring it on themselves in one way or another. I saw some thing on TV a couple of weeks ago about this family with a gigantic new house, 2 new cars, in a nearly bankrupt situation - and they took like FOUR VACATIONS that year - a cruise, one of em. This is not just TV - I know people like this in real life. You probly do too, some friend or relative who's always saying they don't have money and yet they just bought a new car or computer or went to Europe or whatever. So many of the things that put us in debt just did not have to happen. In my case, a lot of my expenditures were necessities and bad decisions that others (whom I trusted with my finances) made - and yes, some of it was just plain stupid spending. But if nothing else it is entirely my own fault that I didn't address the problem the moment it came up. And entirely my fault that I went for years purposely being blind and hopeless about it all.

I kept waiting - and gads, we ALL do this - for some great windfall. I'd get some huge raise, or I'd sell that stupid manuscript, or it'd turn out my futon was a valuable antique worth thousands, yadida bladida, one day I'll have enough money to pay it all off. Omigod, if you're telling yourself that right now? YOU ARE A FOOL AND YOU'RE HURTING YOURSELF AND YOU NEED TO STOP NOW. You might be a fantastic person who deserves a rich nobleman to pull you from the gutter and shower you with gold dubloons because suddenly the world realizes that you're a good person and there's no reason you should have to live this life - I do not dispute that you deserve this. But the reality of this world is that it isn't going to happen. Not ever. It will never happen. Ever. Never. It won't. Ever. I don't care how long you wait, it isn't going to ever happen as long as you live. Dig?

Once you really truly get to that level of acceptance, I hope you have a bottle of liquor and some candy on hand to soothe the pain. But you're also ready to start dealing with the reality. You can finally deal with it when you've gotten to that point of Hard Reality. Adulthood can seriously suck, I know.

2. You can do this kind of thing alone, without using a service of some kind. You can call your credit card companies and negotiate better interest rates. You can talk to all the people you owe money to and come up with some kind of plan. You can look at your income and your expenditures and find ways to cut corners. But if you're like me, you just can't quite handle all that. Too many strangers upon whose mercy one must throw oneself. I'd already budgeted my own spending right to the bone, for the most part - I had almost no corners left to cut. So I needed experts. You know - the total stranger kind of experts, who I don't mind showing my finances to.

If you decide to do this, as I did, you HAVE to be aware that there are a ton of bad people out there who prey on the financially desperate. A lot of "debt consolidation" plans are scams that can make the situation much, much worse. Look for a nonprofit (though that is NOT a guarantee of virtue), one who's a approved/certified/whatever by the National Foundation for Credit Counseling, and preferably one who's a member of the BBB.

I know that all sounds difficult and complicated and way too much homework, but the internets are our friend! Google "non-profit credit counseling" - et voilà. Look for fees - these aren't bad, just something to keep an eye on. If they're huge, run away. But reasonable fees for a good service are to be expected. Here's a good lil article about vetting out the baddies. Hey, and a good one about credit services in general.

I chose MMI/CCCS. I've been quite pleased. I have a friend who uses Profina and likes it fine.

3. No matter what you decide to do, you have got to know what you're doing with your money. Spending is a conscious choice - so be aware of what you're choosing. If nothing else, I always tell people, fill out a complete budget sheet. This is the one MMI has, and I say put any fake name/address you want, though they never contacted me after I filled it out - I contacted them, 2 weeks later. This is the first step in a debt management plan, but I cannot say this with enough emphasis:

EVERYONE should do this.

Even if you're not in debt. Seriously.

It really accounts for every possible penny. Which is an eye-opener, let me tell you, but more than that? It's no longer a mystery where all your money goes. It asks about Christmas presents and birthday presents and magazines and movie rentals and gas to get to work vs. gas to go visit family and toothpaste and renewing your license plates and doctor copays and ALL of the things that you (or at least I) never thought of all that much but it all adds up. I tended to always focus on the big bills - the $70 here and the $200 there. But every few months I need $30 for an oil change and jaysus was it ever hard to come up with, every single time.

"Oh," said I to my counselling lady when we'd gone through every item and she forced me to be completely honest. "So that's what I'm spending it on." And yes, I found a few more corners to cut. But the MOST valuable thing in all of it is figuring out how much is left to spend after all your pre-determined necessities are subtracted from your income. So like my phone bill - I was not at all willing to give up net access (which I get through my phone company), but I decided I could spend less on long-distance calls and bring my bill down by about $30 a month. But $60-70 of it was an unmoveable (to me) expense. Maybe you decide you can't spend less than $30 on books a month, or $50 on milk, who knows - but figure it out and establish that necessary expenditure. Once you get all that done, you see what you're left with each month.

It can be rather depressing. Really. But then when you look to see that ALL of your needs have been totally covered, then that leftover becomes more exciting. Why? Because that's how much money you can totally blow on whatever you want and never have to worry that you'll come up short. So say it's $50 per paycheck. Yes, rather depressing. No trips to Tahiti in your future, true. BUT - it's a few lunches out that you know without a doubt you an afford. And you start negotiating with yourself: Okay, I can spend this $50 now on a night out with drinks and friends. Or I can just get a couple of cocktails and put the rest away and next week, I get to buy a pair of shoes as long as they're no more than $75 with tax, oooh let's go look at sales.

So there ya go. That's how it's worked for me. I've found that I really, really need a bit of cushion beyond that set fun-money every paycheck. I need a small Just In Case fund to pad things - just a couple hundred bucks, really, because I am both a nervous nelly and a flake. And it sucks that I can't go out today and buy some more clothes - which I really really need (I have to work up to a buy like that).

But it doesn't suck that my hair no longer starts falling out every time a new bill arrives. This is a gorgeous thing, and worth every penny that I'm not spending.

I will not be bitching today, because of the following excellent reasons:

1. Work really really really really sucked today and I have no strength left for even the most thoughtless of commentary.

2. I had this fab idea for What I Want To Do With My Life but now that property got bought and it's a Chinese massage and herbal medicine and acupuncture place, and tell me: who the hell wants Chinese massage and herbal medicine and acupunctur in a property that is designed very zen-like on the inside now, but is 6 inches - SIX INCHES - from the el tracks? Dream-ruiners, that's who. Cocksucking sonsabitches.

3. There is a heeYUGE wealth of bitchin' going on tonight and I really would rather leave it to you enthusiastic types.

4. And most importantly, exactly none - NONE - of you made with a single suggestion. Nice. Like I can think for myself? Tchah. That you would even consider such a thing shows you know me not at all.

So I instead present to you the following bitchers, all of whom have acquitted themselves avec honneur:

Ann(ie)! She's new! She's irritated! She's not afraid to tell you so!
and
jmc! Confirming my aversion to paranormals in a single bound!
and
Lyvvie! Who is trapped in a country that pronounces Pantene wrong! And that's not the worst of their sins!!
and
Doug! Who has smart readers who tell him that, a-duh, of COURSE they can say I Love You before the last page, because how else can they debate that love for a full 300 pages? Classic romance!
and
Salomé! Who is unforgivably literary, damn her eyes!
and
Kate! Fearlessly straying from the topic at every opportunity, huzzah!!!
and
Darla! Who clears up that whole "why the hell do we read such crap sometimes" debate!

And, having exhausted her stores of exclamation points, our fair heroine stumbles toward the wet bar.

kisskiss.

Miraculously, the UPS guy left the box and I have a camera.

I also have a cat. I swear to god, I do. She's not my version of Mr. Snuffaluppagus (incidentally one of THE best names ever, and did you know Sesame Street made him not-imaginary anymore? very upsetting), it's just she has inherited a dislike of cameras from me. I share the following with you
(a) so you can appreciate the hilarity of me chasing after the Elusive Feline for the last 2 hours, and
(b) so you can see snippets of my apartment. I'll take better pictures of it when the sun's up.

Also, please accept my apologies for the crap quality. Blogger is once again being an asshole and refusing to upload my images. So then I had to resize them myself and save them at the corner photobucket. And somewhere in the resizing (using the program thatcame with the camera, because like I have good software? HAH), the images turned from sharp, clear, lovely things, to Total Crap On A Stick. But oh well - at least you get the idea. And I'll do better one day. Right now, I'm just havin fun with my really freaking cute camera.

Here's what happened when I pointed the camera at her. Instant Greta Garbo action. She's all Touch Not The Cat and shit. I ain't a-lookin, ya can't MAKE me.


(Tour guide voice) In the distance, you can see the louvered doors which lead into the closet/bathroom area. Scattered around the feline, you'll notice debris from the camera purchase because good lawd this thing came with a lotta stuff. The lower right corner features a hint of the hideously ugly yet fantastically warm and soft double-fleece reversible blankie - screaming yellow side up.

As I made lil kitty noises to make her look at me, she became wily. (She's a cat. They get wily. Trust me.) Noticing that the flashing noise-making thing was pointed her way again, she leapt to the windowsill. She was dead in my sights, so BAM! Point! Click! Flash!



And this is what resulted, for lo! she is stealthy. In the windowsill, you'll notice the cute tulip tealight holder. Dawn and I each got one years ago at Pier One (sale!) and mine is forever without a tealight. Until I visit Dawn and she gives me one, because I mean doesn't everyone give high-end tealights to their houseguests? And you'll also see the cd/miscellaneous books rack to the left which mostly features books that I can't throw out because I may need to look something up in them one day. The second I get rid of French Verbs, I swear to you, I will absolutely NEED to know the past historic of boire. And you never EVER know when you're going to need a 99cent pamphlet on palmistry.


Next - to the kitchen! Ah, the allure of food...


Okay, this was the most annoying one. I pour out the food, she is happily munching away, I grab the camera - and the SECOND she hears the teeny tiny pfsssht of the autofocus, she's gone. GONE.


GONE, I TELL YOU. This is my kitchen floor, with the very exciting $4 rug from Target. It reallt IS very exciting, but not in this picture, where it merely looks seizure-inducing. To the left is the sink where evil dishes yet lurk, to the right is the stove, and between them is the backdoor and a corner of the fridge. You'll note that the oven is adorned with a monkey-butler-with-fez tea towel. It's okay, you don't have to say it. I know how jealous you are.


I quickly chased her into the living room.



SO CLOSE! (lookit the lil puddin with the pink nose and the green eyes and all that thunderosity) And if cat nose isn't enough for you, she graciously offers you an ass shot.



That's my futon. Or rather, what's left of it. It cost me $120 at Kmart about 10 years ago. Thunderpussy is about 8 years old now (prime of life, baby, PRIME OF LIFE) and has been steadily working on destroying that arm. I've never minded since it's just a crappy futon that's been falling apart forever anyway, but I now worry that she'll actually break through to the other side before I can afford a real couch. Worse - I worry what she'd do to this mythical real couch. It's the only place she claws at all, that futon arm. Alarming.

On the futon is a lime fleece blanket, a yellow throw pillow, and a stuffed fish. Which I stole. From someone. This one time. At a party? I don't think I was drunk, but then I can't ever remember why it was so funny to steal Skippy's fish pillow and never tell him - so I'm thinking I must've been drunk. No clue. C'est un mystère. Ah, oui. Le mystère de la poisson.

Moving on!

She went straight to the bed, with me hot on her heels...

D'oh!

NOTE TO ALL VISITORS: I have a thing about not making my bed. As in, I refuse to. When I change the sheets, sure. Other than that, no. It's less slovenliness than it is a life philosophy. But I digress.

Back to the living room!



She was sniffing the purse. It was very close, but I got naught but the hide o'her. You'll notice how fantastic the bag is, yet another gift from Dawn. (Man, Dawn really features heavily into the accesorized bits of my life. She got me the monkey teatowel, too.)



A paw! A paw! A kingdom for my p-- hey, is that my black headband? It IS my black headband. That bitch.

So I plunked myself down and... at last!



Oh fer godsakes will you STOP with the CAMERA already and leave me alone to chew on this bit of stretchy cotton that you're so uptight about?

This has been an evening with Thunderpussy. Who is mighty. And who's all curled up and immobile for the last 30+ minutes as I created this post, with the camera safely hooked up to the computer. If I detached it and turned it on, she'd hear it. And then you'd get photos of the areas behind my radiators, and the deepest corners of my closets. Just exactly what you were hoping for, I know.

In other news, Suisan is in the kind of absolute hell one can only inhabit when one's mother is FUCKING INSANE and determined to make you TWICE AS INSANE AS SHE IS, and I have such instant recognition and sympathy when reading her that I'd give about anything to run over there with a jug of hooch and a fast getaway car.

Also, Lyvvie dreamed about me. Too bad she couldn't take a picture of that.